Home and waiting for the sun

The last 10 days or so in Dalyan were lovely even with the unseasonable rain and thunderstorms. I was out about at times, lazying around at others if energy levels dipped, in fact I think I balanced activity and rest rather well for the end of my stay. Met some new people, regulars at the pansiyon like me but we had never had overlapping stays, I think once we missed each other by a few hours. They were a lovely couple from the Netherlands who have been coming to Dalyan for decades. Since I have been staying in Onder Pansiyon I have got to know a small group of the regulars, both Turkish and foreign guests and through them a few other people who live in or visit Dalyan regularly. It is a nice loose community of people who’s paths regularly cross and definitely contributes to the appeal of Dalyan.

The last couple of days were slightly marred by the unseasonally wet weather but fortunately I didn’t get caught out in a storm and I did get to see some spectacular lightning as I hurried back to the pansiyon one afternoon, this was after a lovely walk in the hills. It was Ilker’s birthday whilst I was there, so the guests were invited to join the family for a birthday meal, which was delicious. I often think the best meals I have in Turkey are the home cooked ones rather than the restuarants meals. My last morning in Turkey was very low key, sat on the terrace watching the fishing cooperative workers, police divers and other divers cleaning the river bed of rubbish. Over the last 5 or so years Dalyan has become very focused on cleaning the environment up, an initiative started by a combination of local people and European immigants and the whole of Dalyan seems to have embraced this.

So I have been back about 10 days now, weather has been the traditional British summer in someways whilst being not so traditional in the extremes of the variations. So a bit like Turkey in that the weather is unusal for the time of year. Since being back I have been melting in shorts and t-shirt to wrapped in up winter clothes, normally in June when I get back it is warmish with a mix of showers and sun. Two days ago there were tropical levels of humidity, yesterday cloudy and coldish then later strong winds, which continue today whilst being sunny and warm when sheltered from the wind. All very confusing when working out what to wear for the day.

The main theme of my return has been health related appointments with hospital, dental and optician appointments to fill my time. The dental and optician apts went well, the hospital first appointment was OK but I have to have a colonoscopy to find out more about what is going on in my bowels, still waiting to hear when this will be. I also have a pain clinic appointment coming up next week to look into the shoulder and neck pain I experience most of the time. Talking yesterday with someone, I realised that I am currently open for 4 different departments at the hospital, which is quite a shock really. I like to think that I am fit and healthy but being on the caseload of 4 hospital departments suggests that I am not as well as I like to think I am.

When you get cancer and have the treatment, I think many like me, think after it you will go back to being as you were before. I rushed back to work and normality after my treatment, being back at work 5 months after my treatment ended, which I now know was a mistake and I was far from ready and I wonder if this contributes to my ongoing fatigue. My life has been irrevesibly changed by the cancer in many ways, some of them good and some of them not so good, my continuing health issues would be in the not so good. I was warned that I could have life long effects from the treatment but brushed them asided thinking that I would be one of the fortunate ones who recovered and had mininmal or no lasting effects. It is coming up towards 5 years since I found the lump in my neck I am finally beginning to accept that the side effects will be long lasting and possibly for life.

I have found a new balance to life and my life is mostly good but I do get frustrated that I can’t do all that I used to do, which sometimes results in me overdoing it and then paying the price with extended bouts of fatigue. I do still feel self conscious about the scars on my neck from the radiotherapy and to a lesser extent the surgery. The reduced movement in my neck and shoulder is a hassle but something that I manage to cope with most of the time and is probably less of a problem than the fatigue. The pain, well it is there and I mostly ignore it but at times it is agonising, often for no apparent reason. I don’t hold much hope that the pain clinic will give me any significant help, I suspect it will be mindfulness sessions which I do not really need as I do this already, focusing on other things rather than the paint to manage it. Maybe they will surprise me and come up with something to dimish the pain significantly. Though if they offer to send me on an MBCT course I would definitely accept this.

Well as the sun is definitely around this morning I am going to put on some sunscreen and go out to enjoy it. Whilst I am missing Dalyan I am pleased I am back home, my return started well with a friend unexpectedly offering to collect me from the airport, which was a lovely thing to do and something I feel really helped me not get so exhausted by the journey. I am very fortunate in having some wonderful friends I think, a few of whom I have caught up with or have made plans to meet since being back and many that I need to get my ass into gear and arrange to meet up with. Overall life is good and I am enjoying it and I have hopes this will continue, can’t reasonably ask for much more really.

Dalyan Again

Well I have been a bit remiss in keeping this up to date. No single reason besides I have not got around to it. As always Dalyan is lovely, I arrived some weeks ago in the middle of the night, first thing I did was dump the case then sit by the river for a few minutes before going back to the room and grabbing a few hours sleep. As per normal when I am here I awoke early and returned to the terrace to watch and hear Dalyan waking up. It was like I had never been away.

So what have I done with my time here, well to be honest a lot of it has been spent by the river enjoying the view, there have been walks and the taking of photographs, catching up with friends both Turks and visitors or immigrants. Visiting favourite restaurants and generally pottering about. I have been on one boat trip which was nice. Last weekend I did suffer a longish bout of fatigue, so that meant I didn’t do much besides sit by the river and snooze and forgo the daily meandering wander with the camera that is the norm here. As is often the case the fatigue sneaked up on me and I could see no particlar reason for this bout, it lasted 3 or 4 days disappearing suddenly as if a switch had been turned to fatigue off overnight. Since then I have been fine, wandering about and doing my normal for me Dalyan stuff.

As per normal I have reacquainted myself with some local cats and got to know some new ones. Across the road is a group of kittens who are about 7 weeks old now and very cute, their mum often comes over for a rest from them and some head scritching and a bit of my breakfast, her second or third breakfast I am guessing. Being me of course I have taken some cat photos but mostly have been taking photos of other things, dragonflies feature prominently and no doubt they will be posted in due course. I haven’t been doing much editing of photos here, partly due to laziness and partly due to the last update to Lightroom making my travel laptop very slow. I think I will need to update at some point sooner rather than later, so will be looking for a bargain once I return home.

As I write, it is about 8 in the morning, Ilker is sweeping the terrace, the cafe next door is setting up for the day and I am sipping cay. I got shown how to make cay properly and if I am up before Ilker, I make the first pot of the day. Having been shown the tricks of the trade, or at least Ilker’s family’s method I making better cay. I took home a Turkish samova last year and never really felt the cay was that good and didn’t understand why, now I do. So if you are unfortunate enough to visit me at home you might be offered properly brewed cay now, well you need something good to mitigate having to suffer my company.

It is a time of change for some of my Turkish friends, Ilker’s oldest daughter is about to finish high school and head off to Uni, his youngest is moving u to middle school next year. My friend Hulya has opened a new cafe, her youngest daughter has just graduated from Uni and is about to embark on a masters. Back in the UK, friends are going through similar changes with children graduating or heading off to uni this autumn. I am very aware that my life is much more static at the moment, my big changes happened a few years ago. It has been an eventful time for me, 5 years ago I was returning from a stay here, going back to work and making plans in my head for the next few years. Not knowing that in a little under 2 months I would find the lump in my neck that changed the direction of my life somewhat.

Life is full of changes with many of them unexpected. I would never have chosen the path I had to follow after finding the lump, at times it was traumatic to say the least but overall I feel that the changes it sparked have been good mostly. Then I didn’t see myself being retired in two or so years time, I expected to carry on working for some years, either in my current job or something different if an opportunity presented that grabbed my interest. And I think the HOPE group is opportunity that arrived at the right time, 4 years ago I was about to return to work part-time and do the HOPE group along side this.

When I return from Dalyan I will be facilitating another HOPE group, this time with one of the people who facilitated mine all those years ago. It will be a strange but welcome transition to move from course member to being a co-facilitator. When I did the course and after I rediscovered how important helping others was for me. Being a patient, the one being cared for, treated etc., was difficult for me but with the help of the NHS and Macmillan, family and friends I got through this and here I am today, enjoying the moment of being in Dalyan and remembering the journey of the last 5 years through life. A mostly good journey, one that the cloud of cancer opened many unexpected doors to new things, led to meeting new friends, become active in new areas through volunteering for Macmillan, getting involved in the Snowcats project.

Retirement 5 years ago seemed a long way off, now it is where I am at. Accepting the changes that aging forces on you also seemed a long way off then. Now having had to accept the that post cancer and the treatment I have to make changes and fighting against them I am much more accepting of the changes I was forced to make. This doesn’t mean that sometimes the fatigue doesn’t get me down, just that I accept it is transitory and that within a few days it will pass. It doesn’t mean that the near constant pain in my neck and shoulder doesn’t affect me, it just means that I accept it, try not to focus on it and enjoy the moments when I am pain free.

At the moment Macmillan is having a campaign about memorable moments that people living with or living after cancer have. Part of this is about people using them to fund raise for Macmillan, which is much needed at the moment as Macmillan like many charities have seen a big drop in donations since the referendum and the uncertainty of BREXIT. I have been thinking about this and wondering which memorable moment/event is most important to me. There are many, finding the lump, the first ultrasound which led to a biopsy and CT scan on the same day, the official diagonosis, the surgery, the start and end of chemo and radio therapies, being told I had no dectable signs of cancer. All of these are significant to me in that they are all part of the journey that led me to still being here and typing away today. Alongside this are the sadder moments, finding out my Aunt Niki’s cancer was terminal and she had months to live as was the case with my colleague Hass. Both are often in my thoughts, as is my grandmother who died of cancer when I was a young child.

Cancer is not a single event, it is a series of happenings, some devastating, some painful and traumatic, some funny, some happy, some leading to new opportunities, others shutting off opportunities, a chance to make new friendships, a chance to strenghten old friendships. Cancer is a mindless beast and a destroyer but with a bit of help from your friends and modern medicine it can be an opportunity to a new and good phase in your life. I think I have been one of the fortunate ones who has found themselves in good and possibly better place after cancer, albeit an unexpected place. Financially I am in a worse place, but have enough to do the things that are important to me, so I am extremely fortunate here. Having discovered and entered into the world of volunteering for Macmillan has helped me immensely and I feel very fortunate to have this. The new friends I have made through Nordic walking because of the Macmillan/NHS initiative with Brighter Outlook has added to my life. All the friends I have made or strenthened friendships with through being active in helping raise funds for the Lost Cats of Brighton Charity. These are all unexpected but welcome positive outcomes of cancer.

Well time to end this entry, breakfast will soon be here, Dalyan is waking up and I have the arduous task of deciding what to do with another day in my personal paradise. A tough life but, well someone has to do it. Remember, life is much better when you take the time to notice and enjoy the good bits, it doesn’t make the bad bits go away, just makes them easier to bear and this is what has brought me to being in the good place that I am fortunate to be in today.